A Humble Suggestion

Within the last three months, the United States has partaken in a relatively rare exercise in ecstasy. For years, the citizens of this great nation have been plagued by the often laughable wealth extorted from them by the undoubtedly sociopathic bastards who lounge languidly atop the apex of gasoline empires. This fuel has transformed into an unquestionable necessity across the pages of this last century, and the inflation of its price has unfortunately done little to deter its rate of purchase among the masses. The 21^st century alone has been witness to the doubling and even tripling of these diabolical profits, and under a stifling cover of financial darkness, the American public’s only hope for a pillar of light was a miracle.

And so a miracle was received. These preceding months have been home to the lowest gas prices in recent history, and thus, euphoria returned once more to the populace. Toddlers returned to soccer practice, adolescents were back to necking at the drive-in, and a family’s drive to the pizza parlor finally cost less than the pizza itself. Peace. Order. Pizza.

But just as the night is darkest before the dawn (as long as you bar any scientific principles from entering the metaphor, of course), the day is brightest just before the night (the same artistic stipulations apply to this comparison). Ever so gingerly, pennies and dimes have been infiltrating the ranks of gas prices; raising them virtually without notice, and just as the frog waits patiently for his demise within the slowly boiling pot, our citizens are unknowingly permitting this poison to course through their veins.

No more. Our reliance on foreign oil has long been a thorn in our proverbial side, and today, we must rise together as a mighty fist of judgment and pluck that devastating poniard. As a result, a measly of trickle of blood may sprout from our collective wound, but fear not, for the bandage will arrive swiftly to halt the continual spillage of our vitality. We hold the power to uncover another source of fuel for our mechanized steeds; all we currently lack is the resolve to take action. Millennia of forced civility have stripped us of our ability to think primitively in order to ensure our continued survival, but luckily, I have accessed this morsel of code and grasped it from the bonds of the matrix. Our salvation is at hand.

“Greater love has no one than this; that one lay down his life for his friends.” This country was founded on the principles of the holy book from which that sentiment was birthed, and within its lines is buried the solution to our struggle. Every human being is connected by the electric pulse of the universe in which we constantly swirl, and that singular pulse connects us in a way that dispels the walls of friend, foe, and kin – uniting us on a molecular level that demands our cooperation in this task to save us…to save our children. This electric connectivity holds power untapped and untold in the leaves of history, but if that energy holds the key to powering our hearts, then why can it not power our cars?

Naturally, the pursuit of unlocking the secrets of biological electrical connectivity holds untold risks, but I remember a certain adventurer named Christopher that accepted those risks the second that he stepped foot onto our promised land; who are we to spit on his sacrifices by refusing to make our own? The human body that encases this energy is mighty and resistant, as it should be to stave off the many plagues to which our flesh is susceptible, and this could very well throw a metaphorical wrench into the gears of our collective plan, but fear not; such technicalities have been accounted for.

As the body ages, its natural defenses weaken exponentially as the promise of eternity draws near, and instead of foolishly attempting to prevent these natural measures from taking place, why not accept the will of time while manipulating it to our own advantages? Historically, once significant age has ruptured the body, the potential of continued benefit to society has plummeted, but that statistic changes today. A withered form still maintains the electric pulse of the collective human race, and with its defenses already mutilated by the ravages of continued existence, it would provide the perfect subject for the experiments we so desperately require. With these methods firmly established and approved by the governing body, those that had previously dwindled inadequately for years far beyond their intended usefulness could cement their legacies by being pioneers of change for the people of this country. What a miraculous opportunity.

Once this procedure has been perfected through years of tireless research and investigation, the potential is positively endless. The skyrocketing of our economy through monetization of this new technology would become a bona fide reality, and with the electric connectivity of our ancestors powering our automobiles, planes, and more, how long would it be before the power of that pulse completely eradicated hostility from the planet? Brothers and sisters would be transformed by the collective hum of the previous generation whirring softly within our motors, and that hum would evolve into a song of peace for centuries to come.

Personally, I have no financial or spiritual dog in this evolutionary fight; I wish only to enrich the future of my friends and those I have yet to encounter. I do not fear the notions of sacrifice in the name of unspeakable progress, and it is that very fire that has forged our country into the shining symbol of power and innovation that it has become. Let us take that next step together into the glorious light of connection and peace.